Sound of Vacuum

The Best thing about posting a Podcast is that , it doesn’t take any space on the blog , and I can say whatever in it without thinking of any standards I am usually so particular about when writing. So people won’t be repulsed by it as only a few will click and listen to it .Also all those thoughts that won’t get any place in my blog as such in normal blog posts , still hold  a chance in my podcast. 

Frankly speaking , its been a while I have put something on blog , but I just couldn't write. I tried but failed . So I thought let me put my voice if I cant get the words. I usually don't prefer it as such . But it's better than nothing. It is here to fill the vacuum and I hope it will succeed.

The Dream of a Dawn

World is going through a Transition . Arab spring ,Occupy Wall Street , Wikileaks  all of these are part of a Silent Revolution . The corrupt government's , dictators , autocrats , Conglomerates and corporations are ruling most of the world , while the commoners are being coerced into submission. While the few enjoy the sunshine , most of the world has plunged into darkness. But through this darkness is born a light of hope.And When the world , gets the taste of the first ray of light , they will start dreaming of a new Dawn . And once they Start Dreaming the Dawn , the Dawn will arrive .

I dedicate my poem to all those who are working hard to bring this dawn and illuminate our minds and souls.

Wandering through the high hill  palms;

Seeping in the widowed barren lands.

The darkness is gloating on its rein;

Feigning the crown of the deathly silence.

The tired souls are broken and numb;

Jaded by the melancholy of grisly night.

Some have been laid to quietus from fright;

In the ghetto’s of misery and absence of light.

Dreams are gone though they all sleep long;

As the chilly winds croon the song of despair.

The shadows have merged in a utopian darkness;

Inequity is supreme in the iniquity’s exulted reign.

The clouds creep in  like a sleuth of night;

Appalling through their might on the jaded souls.

Whilst the snobs make out a boorish loud thunder;

The Mortals wake up as the  cerebral  light is born.

Amidst the garish thunder , the flashes get the luster;

And the souls construe the colors ,as darkness fray.

Aghast by the light , the night let go the downpour;

But Dreams of the dawn now  , no deluge can wash away.

When a Lazy Soul Yawns .....................

I thought I wont be writing anymore for sometime at least . But now looks like I have been infected by a virus where sometimes if something comes to my mind I just need to type it . And although they might just be some random thoughts of a lazy mind , well if it is written it has to be posted. Since it's for me , right , and no one else. So when a lazy soul yawns , the following pieces are the outcome.One is an attempted poetry and another is an attempted song. Here the key word is Attempted ..

A day in life :

No deep thoughts , no big emotions . No Depression , No Sadness . Just a plane simple account of a very normal day in life . Well Again , inspired by the epic Beatles song  ‘ A day in Life “ where Lennon /Mccartney wove magic in the lyrics. My poem tells  how a small little thing like a guitar pick can make or ruin your day.There is no moral of the story , And if there is , the reader have to use their own mind to find one . It’s the first time I tried my luck to some lighter stuff . Hope I am better than Miserable. 

There was a day : Attempted song .....nothing more to say , nothing more should be tried , Never should be sung , I know ..someone will die...

A Day In Life 

My day was as good , as it can get;

I was feeling happy and all was set.

I smiled my way into my car;

Thought I’ll go home and play some guitar.

Reached Home Fast at Half Past Four ;

Singing all the way , to the fourth Floor .

Jumped into the shower , started the jukebox;

The playlist of my throat can never get lost.

All dressed up and looking fine;

Some juice in the Glass of Guyana’s Lime.

I reached for my guitar , to start the show;

Strummed with the pick and said “ here we go “.

Played a few chords in Harrison Style ;

It was coming so well , I went the extra mile.

Pleased with myself at ten past Six;

I checked into the Face book , taking a break.

I met few friends , from long time back;

Read a new review for a service pack.

Had some nice chats ,and heard a new song;

It was “the day” , nothing can go wrong.

I picked my guitar for another start ;

If it’s going well then let’s not part.

For a few seconds I dreamt of Beatles fame;

But where is my pick , can’t find it Damn!!

Searched for it , all over my place;

Under the bed sheets  and over the case.

At fifteen past eight , I sank in the chair;

Can’t get the pick and it’s there nowhere.

Feeling so low , with nothing to do;

My mood grew dark , and it’s sad I knew.

The sense when you missed on something u want ;

It’s little tingling pain quite close to the heart.

Heard a loud  knock on my room’s door ;

 I Opened it with a fearsome roar.

Startled the little boy , dropped the cup ;

It was my evening tea , he had brought up.

 I was out of wits in not much time;

When I finished cleaning , it was half past nine.

As I sat tired , to take a breath;

The Power went off , I gave a yell of death.

Nothing can be right , on this wretched day;

Whatever I do , try as I may.

As I lay on bed , in dark with closed eyes;

Something sharp scratched my neck , like a pointed knife.

I reached for the thing in the dark;

Beneath the pillow cover , like an arc .

And it was there , my little guitar pick;

Can’t help but smile , on god’s little trick.

 

There Was A Day

There has been days , when I always knew

That it will rain ,it will be very soon

But I will be ,all alone again ,

As without  you, it’s never the same.

But as I say this ,my Love ,

Are you looking ,from above ,

I  have been thinking  all day ,

Why god has taken you away ,

How did I ever ,let you go

How can I be, happy anymore ..

there was a day , when I first saw you  ,

such a lovely smile  ,and before I knew

We were in love , forever I said ,

You just smiled And kissed, me instead.

  

But as I say this ,my Love ,

Are you looking from above ,

I  have been thinking  all day ,

Why god has taken you away ,

How did I ever let you go

can I be happy anymore ..

But there will be a day , when you and me ..

Will be together , and you will see,

All the love ,I have kept inside ,

Will still be there , when I die.

And as I say this my love ,

I know you are looking from above.

I know you are looking from above.

A 1000 Hits to a 1000 Thoughts.

Well my blog has reached thousand hits. I don't know how , but yes . It's not much but I am happy enough to try something new this time. So I am putting my first podcast so that for once you can hear my thoughts as well.I hope my voice can keep up with my thoughts. lets see .Sometimes I wonder how much I talk to myself . hmmmm................

High Tides in Moonless Nights

I am in a very critical stage of my life . And I know , in few months my life may experience some dramatic turbulence , which can change the course of my journey. So before it happens , and before  I cease to stay what I am now , I would like to  share whatever I can write , through the lens of my own narrow , secluded mind. As of now , whatever I can say , has to come in the mould of Poetry. So here they are.

A day in Abstract is my last in the series of " High Tides in Moonless Night" . Its one of the longest poem I ever wrote as well as my most challenging. Inspiration are those timeless western Ballads and Songs , as well as Poems I remember reading as a child. I am not sure about the result on the readers point of view , but I am satisfied by the outcome myself.

A Recurring Dream is a poem I wrote sometime back , but did not post . I do get recurring dreams , and the idea when I started was to question why it's happening.Although I drifted a little in the poem and hence didn't post earlier. But now , I guess it's worth the effort to put in here .

Epilogue to a Friendship is actually a very personal piece. I wrote it for my Friend , And I hope it is read by the one for whom it is intended.

I don't know why is again a personal piece , one taken from my experience in Congo as an expat.Frankly since three months I havn't seen blue sky , moon or stars ever here.But more than that its a also a satire about people , I have met on the various phases of my work life.

I will be taking a break from my business of Poetry for sometime. I hate monotony , and well I am thinking of doing something else . But I will keep posting in between . Thanks to each and everyone who took their  precious time  out of their extremely busy life to visit my blog. I hope that I haven't disappointed my readers and visitors. 




A DAY IN ABSTRACT

As the Sunshine came , through the broken window glass

I woke half way through the dream;

As my mind jumbled , in thoughts of broken slumber,

I gazed at the lonely wooden beam.

The beam held a clock , showing ten minutes past  nine,

I  cursed  myself for sleeping late;

As I rushed to the shower, knowing I was losing  time

Hoping still for a good day fate.

I drove the car  hard , on that  cold Monday Morning ,

While my mind got busy in Math;

It’s still three papers , and one more meeting

As my eyes left the sight of  path.

Out of nowhere ,an old man came ,

May be of sixty and five;

As stuck by a light ,I pushed on the brake

Thought he is gonna die.

The car slipped across , I was launched to the front ,

Still pushing  as hard as I could;

It went all in vain , as it still hit the man ,

while crashing into the wood.

Those moment of dark silence , when the world seemed tumbling,

My eyes ceased to raise;

I prayed to lord,for wife and my daughter,

Was my first in many-many days.

The moist feel of blood , on my forehead

told me I was still alive;

As I thanked my stars , with tears rolling over,

there was knock on the window I realized.

The old man I hit , was standing by the window

All red in mud and pouring blood.

He had a tall figure , and well built body ,

He seemed to have come up to rough.

I opened up the door , and dragged myself out ,

Apologizing to the man as I stood;

"I am really sorry Sir , I was in my thoughts,

Pardon me if you could".

The old man Smiled , put a hand on my shoulder

And said that he is fine and alright ;

"It was my fault , that I was on the  road,

and a little too much to the right".

"Come over son , I know how u feel,

and the sense of that smashing fright ;

Move to the corner turn , let’s have a  beer,

You will then start feeling light".

We moved to the pub and had a glass of beer ,

With the old man staring through my eyes ;

Then he put the glass down , lighted a cigarette ,

And started with the flowing smile.

"Your hands are still trembling, Your mind is still wondering ,

What are you so scared about ;

We both are still living , and your car is still moving What is in the mind to doubt".

I said I missed the morning meeting , my clients would  been waiting,

Guess I am  gonna lose my job;

I tried my very best , lost all my sleep and rest;

Still I fail to make my ground.

Stranger to my little daughter , to my love no better;

All for the money and a good life;

Had I died in the crash , Leaving alone my wife and daughter;

I dare think to that sight.

The old man gulped , one more glass of bear ;

Gazing  the  sky as in trance;

You are very lucky , you can still see your baby

I never got a second chance.

"You are my past , and I was driving very fast,

In the car of money and fame;

I lost my Little daughter , when sending her to  my mother

As her plane crashed and burned in flame".

"I remember her crying , when I still was trying

to get her into the flight;

She said you don’t love your daughter, Mommy was so better,

I wish she was  still alive".

The old man trembled ,tears came rolling

As I looked with eyes open wide;

You don’t know son , from that day to this one.

How many times I have died.

"Son you doing fine , just don’t lose your time

For the moments that may never arrive;

If my life a lesson , Go home and see the reason,

which makes one want to be alive".

The Old man left , with a hat on his head ,

Limping a little as he made his stride;

Snow start falling , and I was on my way crawling ,

His words splashing like  a tide.

A RECURRING DREAM

A recurring dream , so surreal ,

It keeps me thinking , is it  for real
Forms and shadows , routes and paths ,
That blowing wind , the fluttering mast.
The sounds I hear , the voices I know ,
so crisp so clear ,fresh as snow.


I wander around , in my dream.
Living in it , like what i mean.
Here I am loved for what I am
Nothing to hide , nothing to sham.


Sky is open , Stars are above ,
Noise do cease and its music of love.

If dreams are real and life is not ,
Present is absent  , and past is lost.
Nothing has happened , nothing will end.
My dreams will shape , the moves and bend.

Will swim over the skies and fly in the ocean.
will glide  the wind , in swinging motion.
Pain will perish , sorrows will drown .
Joy will flutter , pleasure will crown.

The dreams that lives with open eyes ,
Are seeds of future , and hope of life.
Hold them tight , never let them go,
life is void , with no dreams to sow

Enduring a life , with a shimmering dream.
That dream will be life , with nothing in between.

EPILOGUE TO A FRIENDSHIP




 As I sit today , with a pen and Paper , I cant think what to write.
The only thing that's dragging me  ,  is this lonely creepy night .
The realm of thoughts , amidst the dark , brings memories to overflow
I am missing  a friend , who was special , for times I forever know  

Sadness came to me , holding me , she said   with teary eyes ,
She no longer remember my dear , you are off her sight.

Something has snapped , I don't know what , Gulf is too large now.

hope if there is not too much , but memories don't take a bow.

We had  been too close before , and now are much too far ,

Its more than any pain I suffered , much  more than any scar.

  

I could had hurt her  ,may be  a lot more than I might know
But I too was hurt ,not any less  and that is as much true
I have lived over the hurt , dragged myself , from the mud of hopeless despair.
I want you ,  to get over too , only if u care.

 Life is not a happy ride , we both know it well.
We have to turn up and find a way, when the darkness swell
There will be painful times , but hope must always survive ,
For every dusk has a dawn , and every day has a night.

   

I have nothing much to say , but I wanna do it right .

I Know I should say sorry , and end over the fight .
Ego drags me back at times far many  , and anger put its shield,
But I could see the pain ,smiling hideously , behind the anger's veil.

 

So I confess to her once more ,  that behind my each hurting word ,
There was still a lot of care , lots of affection and love.
I never wanted to hurt her , Never thought I could .
But life when it turns brings us down , through those slanting unknown curves .

I want her to move on , over this  pain and feeling of hurt
Time has come to let it rest and forget what has past.
I am trying to mend ,the friendship, which lays in ruins,
I need from her a helping hand , and hope it will be soon.

Time is a drunken lad , swinging up and down on the street ,
We never knew when it could hit , and end our flirting  beat.
I dread the thought of the life's end ,with pain and regret in heart,
Of not being able to set it right , and gazing her smile at last.

I Don't Know Why  

Why the sky is never much blue here ,
Why the clouds are always hanging in there.
I can hardly see any stars at night .
Which are mostly gloomy , and days are never bright.

Why doesn't moon , talk to me nowadays,
We used to walk togather I remember,
The stars which used to laugh and twinkle,
Can't see them anymore , its all so sombre.

 

Why don't the birds chirp anymore.
Why I cant see the fine nests hanging around.
Where has all the frogs gone to quake .
Why no children , dance in the rain.

Why is there so much noise
Its hard to make out my own fuzzy voice.
Where has all the innocence gone to hide.
Why one cant be humble , yet bright .

Why I see people , old at thirty ,
and children talking money at five.
Why I cant see , any happy faces,
though I see people , laughing outside.

Why we all have so many selves ,
Its hard to know , which one is true.
Why am I left with no more aces,
To win back the game , I am losing through.

Why true love , so hard to find.
Why cant we be rich , still stay kind.
Why has fear became a part of life,
Why life itself is such a heavy price.

 

Why so many words but so little meaning.
Why I cant fly even when dreaming.
Why tears come fast , but dry in no time.
Why so many why's , and I am still doing fine !!

A Few More to show off......................

"She Told to Me One Day" 

She told to me one day,

That I need to talk to you

You are running away from me,

I gotta know the reasons from you.

She told to me one day ,

Come over and walk with me.

Hold on to my hands , dear

And share all in heart with me.

I turned myself to the window ,

And told her , She is right.

But She needs to wait bit longer,

As I have lots of work in sight.

I need to work much harder

and earn a lot of cash .

So that I can get to you in future ,

And then we can just relax.

She told to me one day ,

Just look up, to my face.

Looking out only to the future,

You are doing a big mistake. 

As I looked out into her eyes ,

I was shocked at what I saw.

She had scars all over her face,

and tears were in flow.

She told to me one day ,

Look what have you done to me.

I was so beautiful and pretty ,

Now tell me what you see.

                                                                                  

Falling on my knees , taking her hand

I told her with teary eyes.

That I want you back , as it was before ,

I wanna set everything right.

She smiled to me that day ,

As we walked towards the shore .

She is not my  wife or girlfriend,

She is my life , I got back once more. 

A Little Question to God 

I am twenty seven , but still very naive ,

Not the learned ones , as you can find.

I have thought a few times , and asked so many ,

But the learned ones said " shame on u Benny "

So now u are here , i shall make it straight

How  can I know what did you create.

Darwin gets me a job , but not the heaven .

For heaven I need to believe , that Adam was in Eden .

 I am so confused , and I cant lie ,

Can Darwin , Adam & Eve all survive

Tell me god please, what is right ,

I don't know the answer , and I am not very bright.

if Jesus was your son , who is his mother,

or better let me know , if he has sister or brother.

I read in the bible , of Noah's arc ,

How did he manage to put a whale and a shark.

Or else fishes were left to enjoy the flood ,

But then what those on land did , to die in the mud.

I am so confused , and I cant lie .

Can Darwin , Adam & Eve all survive

If you created earth and all the hells and heavens ,

why u left the books , with so much confusion.

Bible, Koran and Torah tells about  Rome , Arab  Israel ,

Hindu and Buddhism texts , are Indian on that scale.

All your books , are made for a  region ,

Why u cant make one , do a little fusion.

Arctic and Africa  , Hawaii and Greenland ,

All wanna be a part , and they have a valid reason.

I am so confused , and I cant lie .

Can Darwin , Adam & Eve all survive.

I am told to pray , and thank you for all

For u to be on my side , when tough times call.

If  praise makes you happy , I fail to understand,

You are more like human , with a magic wand.

So now u are here , i shall make it straight

How  can I know what did you create.

Darwin gets me a job , but not the heaven .

For heaven I need to believe , that Adam was in Eden .

I am so confused , and I cant lie ,

Can Darwin , Adam & Eve all survive

 

CROSSROADS

Its been a long time since i have sat down to write something. I am not gonna write about world , politics , religion etc today. I am gonna look within.

I am on crossroads, I have lost my vision , my attitude even my zest. I am not sure what to do , and for whom. My intelligence , my sanity , my thinking even my love has been questioned. I am not sure what is right anymore. I am not sure , what will make me happy anymore. Nothing seems to be working . Last few days have taught me lessons , which i never got before. I have been miserable myself . Nothing worked out the way i wanted it to .

I have been told to quantify myself . I have been told to fake things , and use my brains to handle my own family. I made everyone upset , No one seems to be happy with me. I never got any appreciation for anything I did. I wanted to have a happy time , and all I got was sadness and All I gave was sadness. Nothing I did , seems to be right. I proved myself to be a unworthy , immature , self centered fool.

Money , Money , Money ..I guess that is all in this world. I need money , to buy happiness. I need more money to keep happiness , and I need even more to make others happy as well. I knew money is important , but alas I never considered it as a tool for happiness. But I am wrong , it is.

I am not sure there is anyone in this world , who truly understands me . I am not sure there is anyone in this world who truly knows me as well. I am not successful , I am not faithful , I am running from responsibilities. Wish I could run , Wish I could just vanish , without anyone even remembering my existence.

I am searching for an aim in life. I feel suffocated , perplexed and genuinely sad.

I don't wanna go back to the place I came from . There I feel suffocated , and just a misfit. I am too much an idiot to the ways of the world. And I have no desire to learn them. Neither I wanna stay in the place where I am right now. It was supposed to be a transit point not the final destination. I am cutting myself off from a lot of people I was close to. It was not a choice. I was belittled and betrayed. I was made to realize what a fool I am. I used to think I am intelligent , if nothing else. But now I know how well I can be manipulated just by a few touching words.

I wonder what lies ahead. But I don't have an option to wait and watch. Recollecting something ..I again have tears rolling in my eyes............I cant continue......I hope I come back in better times. Signing off.........

Sum Zero

Sick ..

I  am again back , back with the old feelings , that always crawls  over me , after every few days.The feeling which is hard to describe. I doesn't know how to put that into words. I am restless , confused , perplexed , bemused, bewildered and what not . I can just keep on adding adjectives but still cant define the feeling. It's a feeling that something is just not right , that  I am not making use of my life , my time . That I am not doing what I should be doing , That I am lagging behind my own expectations.I want to catch up , but don't know to what. It's not about job , It's not about money . I leave my ambitions about my work life , on my work desk. I don't bring them home. But there is something else. I desperately need to feel useful and important , and good about myself by doing something new every now and then. If i don't do it , I feel that kind of sagging feeling. Feeling of not worthy enough. Be it a poem , which I think is good enough to be a worthy representative of my own thoughts and feelings or something else which I can think of. I wrote a few poems , that were good , but then I found myself writing for the sake of it , just to show that I am good at it . I found myself manufacturing things , without being true to my own soul. I understood that I write for myself and no one else. It should satisfy me and nobody else. So for the time being , I have stopped . But I need something .Those sort of dark energies , I witness in myself , I need a medium to let them out. If i don't do that ,  they pile on me and make me feel disgusting and depressed.

Every day I wake up in the morning ,trying to make sense of those weird dreams I have every night. Mostly I brush them off , never able to really understand if there is a meaning to it.I am still trapped in some psychological state , keep on seeing images of days long gone by. I guess I really need a good psychologist to understand it.Those are not happy dreams , there is something intrinsically sad , surreal , and scary about them. Though I don't remember those , but every morning  that  feeling I could identify very clearly.


I go to office , do my work and come back. Even though networking has become a necessity , to climb up the ladder as they say , I just find myself unable to stoop down to their level. People might find me obnoxious , arrogant , haughty  guy who lives in his own world , doesn't mix up , doesn't talk much , doesn't bitch about colleagues , doesn't let them know my exact perceptions they are so eager to peep into.I don't find that ladder attractive enough , inviting enough for me . I feel like I am a anti-matter to the ways of the world. I really don't see my future, I see it blank and dark . I must confess , that I have been lucky. My luck made me survive , where I had lost all hope. I am discrediting my self all over. I really doesn't deserve what I got. I have seen people , much more hard working , street smart , and ambitious and of course talented , left behind in this mad race of the world. I casually entered the race , aimlessly , having nothing else to do . And got pushed , without any effort to a position of envy to many. I think it's unfair , but I guess that is an excuse to make me safe , from my own self.

Feeling a little better now...so signing off.........................

Death Was Born With Me

Continuing with my new hobby of poetry , however bad I am at it , I am putting here the latest one I wrote. My Poems , reflect my mood at a certain time. I never think of writing a poem , my mood makes me do that. All my poems so far reflects a certain state of mind , I was in , and this is no different.

This is a Dark poem , talking about death . We all say that we don't know our destiny. That's a big lie , since we are all destined to die.Death will embrace us someday , and there is no exception to this rule.Our death was born the day we were born with a sole purpose of taking us away when our time has come. Death also dies the day we die. I am not afraid , Ia m not scared of it . I just want that when it comes , I would have no regrets , and that I had make everyone aware of my true feelings for them , nothing to hide , nothing to say , nothing that has to die with me , not even my feelings .

So here is my poem.




SPIRIT  OF DEATH

He is  there somewhere , on my trail.

Waiting for the moment , fit to nail.

coming closer , ever so  in hideous steps ,

under the guise of the day , and nightly mist.

He was born the day , when I arrived

From my mothers womb , tiny and naive.

He looked at me , with a edgy smile,

left me to play , so did I survive.

He went alone , somewhere in dark ,

Always keeping an eye , to what i embark.

Life held me on , with motherly care ,

keeping me away from his ghastly sphere.

Youth took me along , in ecstatic scale.

I laughed , i cried , I conquered , I failed.

Exalted and thrilled , with passion and pride.

I was trapped in my world , with closed eyes.

His brothers came sometimes , for their kill

they were always so sure of their skill.

they took along , the people i knew.

but I hardly noticed , the message they sew.

I kept running for worldly pursuits ,

the more i got , the more i root.

Love and life , I left behind .

I looked for them in cash or kind.

He is closer to me than ever before ,

sneering at me , so i should know.

His goal is one , to take me away ,

But he is patient enough , and letting me stay.

I wont run , from him when he comes.

But I hope it happens when I am done.

Giving back all the love ,that  I have got ,

Thanking them all , before I rot.