Sum Zero

Sick ..

I  am again back , back with the old feelings , that always crawls  over me , after every few days.The feeling which is hard to describe. I doesn't know how to put that into words. I am restless , confused , perplexed , bemused, bewildered and what not . I can just keep on adding adjectives but still cant define the feeling. It's a feeling that something is just not right , that  I am not making use of my life , my time . That I am not doing what I should be doing , That I am lagging behind my own expectations.I want to catch up , but don't know to what. It's not about job , It's not about money . I leave my ambitions about my work life , on my work desk. I don't bring them home. But there is something else. I desperately need to feel useful and important , and good about myself by doing something new every now and then. If i don't do it , I feel that kind of sagging feeling. Feeling of not worthy enough. Be it a poem , which I think is good enough to be a worthy representative of my own thoughts and feelings or something else which I can think of. I wrote a few poems , that were good , but then I found myself writing for the sake of it , just to show that I am good at it . I found myself manufacturing things , without being true to my own soul. I understood that I write for myself and no one else. It should satisfy me and nobody else. So for the time being , I have stopped . But I need something .Those sort of dark energies , I witness in myself , I need a medium to let them out. If i don't do that ,  they pile on me and make me feel disgusting and depressed.

Every day I wake up in the morning ,trying to make sense of those weird dreams I have every night. Mostly I brush them off , never able to really understand if there is a meaning to it.I am still trapped in some psychological state , keep on seeing images of days long gone by. I guess I really need a good psychologist to understand it.Those are not happy dreams , there is something intrinsically sad , surreal , and scary about them. Though I don't remember those , but every morning  that  feeling I could identify very clearly.


I go to office , do my work and come back. Even though networking has become a necessity , to climb up the ladder as they say , I just find myself unable to stoop down to their level. People might find me obnoxious , arrogant , haughty  guy who lives in his own world , doesn't mix up , doesn't talk much , doesn't bitch about colleagues , doesn't let them know my exact perceptions they are so eager to peep into.I don't find that ladder attractive enough , inviting enough for me . I feel like I am a anti-matter to the ways of the world. I really don't see my future, I see it blank and dark . I must confess , that I have been lucky. My luck made me survive , where I had lost all hope. I am discrediting my self all over. I really doesn't deserve what I got. I have seen people , much more hard working , street smart , and ambitious and of course talented , left behind in this mad race of the world. I casually entered the race , aimlessly , having nothing else to do . And got pushed , without any effort to a position of envy to many. I think it's unfair , but I guess that is an excuse to make me safe , from my own self.

Feeling a little better now...so signing off.........................

Death Was Born With Me

Continuing with my new hobby of poetry , however bad I am at it , I am putting here the latest one I wrote. My Poems , reflect my mood at a certain time. I never think of writing a poem , my mood makes me do that. All my poems so far reflects a certain state of mind , I was in , and this is no different.

This is a Dark poem , talking about death . We all say that we don't know our destiny. That's a big lie , since we are all destined to die.Death will embrace us someday , and there is no exception to this rule.Our death was born the day we were born with a sole purpose of taking us away when our time has come. Death also dies the day we die. I am not afraid , Ia m not scared of it . I just want that when it comes , I would have no regrets , and that I had make everyone aware of my true feelings for them , nothing to hide , nothing to say , nothing that has to die with me , not even my feelings .

So here is my poem.




SPIRIT  OF DEATH

He is  there somewhere , on my trail.

Waiting for the moment , fit to nail.

coming closer , ever so  in hideous steps ,

under the guise of the day , and nightly mist.

He was born the day , when I arrived

From my mothers womb , tiny and naive.

He looked at me , with a edgy smile,

left me to play , so did I survive.

He went alone , somewhere in dark ,

Always keeping an eye , to what i embark.

Life held me on , with motherly care ,

keeping me away from his ghastly sphere.

Youth took me along , in ecstatic scale.

I laughed , i cried , I conquered , I failed.

Exalted and thrilled , with passion and pride.

I was trapped in my world , with closed eyes.

His brothers came sometimes , for their kill

they were always so sure of their skill.

they took along , the people i knew.

but I hardly noticed , the message they sew.

I kept running for worldly pursuits ,

the more i got , the more i root.

Love and life , I left behind .

I looked for them in cash or kind.

He is closer to me than ever before ,

sneering at me , so i should know.

His goal is one , to take me away ,

But he is patient enough , and letting me stay.

I wont run , from him when he comes.

But I hope it happens when I am done.

Giving back all the love ,that  I have got ,

Thanking them all , before I rot.