Sick ..
I am again back , back with the old feelings , that always crawls over me , after every few days.The feeling which is hard to describe. I doesn't know how to put that into words. I am restless , confused , perplexed , bemused, bewildered and what not . I can just keep on adding adjectives but still cant define the feeling. It's a feeling that something is just not right , that I am not making use of my life , my time . That I am not doing what I should be doing , That I am lagging behind my own expectations.I want to catch up , but don't know to what. It's not about job , It's not about money . I leave my ambitions about my work life , on my work desk. I don't bring them home. But there is something else. I desperately need to feel useful and important , and good about myself by doing something new every now and then. If i don't do it , I feel that kind of sagging feeling. Feeling of not worthy enough. Be it a poem , which I think is good enough to be a worthy representative of my own thoughts and feelings or something else which I can think of. I wrote a few poems , that were good , but then I found myself writing for the sake of it , just to show that I am good at it . I found myself manufacturing things , without being true to my own soul. I understood that I write for myself and no one else. It should satisfy me and nobody else. So for the time being , I have stopped . But I need something .Those sort of dark energies , I witness in myself , I need a medium to let them out. If i don't do that , they pile on me and make me feel disgusting and depressed.
I am again back , back with the old feelings , that always crawls over me , after every few days.The feeling which is hard to describe. I doesn't know how to put that into words. I am restless , confused , perplexed , bemused, bewildered and what not . I can just keep on adding adjectives but still cant define the feeling. It's a feeling that something is just not right , that I am not making use of my life , my time . That I am not doing what I should be doing , That I am lagging behind my own expectations.I want to catch up , but don't know to what. It's not about job , It's not about money . I leave my ambitions about my work life , on my work desk. I don't bring them home. But there is something else. I desperately need to feel useful and important , and good about myself by doing something new every now and then. If i don't do it , I feel that kind of sagging feeling. Feeling of not worthy enough. Be it a poem , which I think is good enough to be a worthy representative of my own thoughts and feelings or something else which I can think of. I wrote a few poems , that were good , but then I found myself writing for the sake of it , just to show that I am good at it . I found myself manufacturing things , without being true to my own soul. I understood that I write for myself and no one else. It should satisfy me and nobody else. So for the time being , I have stopped . But I need something .Those sort of dark energies , I witness in myself , I need a medium to let them out. If i don't do that , they pile on me and make me feel disgusting and depressed.
Every day I wake up in the morning ,trying to make sense of those weird dreams I have every night. Mostly I brush them off , never able to really understand if there is a meaning to it.I am still trapped in some psychological state , keep on seeing images of days long gone by. I guess I really need a good psychologist to understand it.Those are not happy dreams , there is something intrinsically sad , surreal , and scary about them. Though I don't remember those , but every morning that feeling I could identify very clearly.
I go to office , do my work and come back. Even though networking has become a necessity , to climb up the ladder as they say , I just find myself unable to stoop down to their level. People might find me obnoxious , arrogant , haughty guy who lives in his own world , doesn't mix up , doesn't talk much , doesn't bitch about colleagues , doesn't let them know my exact perceptions they are so eager to peep into.I don't find that ladder attractive enough , inviting enough for me . I feel like I am a anti-matter to the ways of the world. I really don't see my future, I see it blank and dark . I must confess , that I have been lucky. My luck made me survive , where I had lost all hope. I am discrediting my self all over. I really doesn't deserve what I got. I have seen people , much more hard working , street smart , and ambitious and of course talented , left behind in this mad race of the world. I casually entered the race , aimlessly , having nothing else to do . And got pushed , without any effort to a position of envy to many. I think it's unfair , but I guess that is an excuse to make me safe , from my own self.
Feeling a little better now...so signing off.........................
